A decade of life

So around 11pm Pacific time tonight, it will have been 10 years since the bone marrow transplant.

I am still alive.  It is a gift, and with so many others who have passed, I can say I certainly have survivors guilt. 

Have I made the most out of the 10 years? 

Did I live life to the fullest?

From someone looking outside in, or even if I just look back myself, I would probably go on the side of not.   Would have have made different choices though?  Also probably not.  Some of the paths I took are just in my core, my being, and a cancer transplant didn't replace those.

Could I have travelled more?  Seen More? Done more with Family?
I could have, but at what consequences? 

What gambles should I have taken?  I have not hit the jackpot, where someone outside would say "Wow, he really made the most out of those 10 years though!", but no one will say "He walked away empty handed and destitute"

I am alive and mostly healthy.  I can walk, I can see, I can hear, I can talk.  I can go up stairs, I can jump out of the back of a pickup truck onto the ground.  I can lift sacks of heavy stuff, and not be crippled.  There are so many who can't, so I guess that's the standard I am comparing myself to, and then comes in the survivor guilt.

I have a great family and a great extended family.

I have a partner that 17 years later, I am still infatuated with.

My kids are all healthy and growing up to be great humans, but yeah, I wish I could spend more time with them.   Gambles.

Did I bum you out?   Well, if you are here because you are just starting your "10 year" run, there is hope that you _can_ live at least have a normal life that you probably would have had if you didn't get Leukemia.   Isn't that fucking amazing just by itself?

If your happy and you know it, clap your hands.

clap clap..

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